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Inspiring Success on the Road to Recovery

Thursday, October 9, 2014

What's Behind the Mask?

To our children we feel we need to be the perfect parent, never having taken a risk, tried a drink or drug, and of course never having had sex a bit too early. I can’t pull that one off because I had my first child at eighteen.
 To our employers we need to be on the corporate bandwagon, upholding corporate cultures and values. I can’t pull that one off either. I could never keep my mouth shut about the gender inequality in salaries, promotions and benefits.
Hence, I work for myself.

To our partners we need to be the macho guy capable of taking care of everything, or the sexy partner who is always ready for a romp in bed even with two kids on her hip and an inability to recall a recent decent night’s sleep.
We put on brave long suffering faces, dealing with addictions, infidelity, financial hardships, illnesses and a multitude of other challenges. We pretend to like people we don’t, love people we don’t and act like people we aren’t. But why? What would happen if we just became who we really are, told our truth and made choices that uphold our spirits?

Would the world, as we know it, really end?

 Somehow we got it in our heads that being who we really are isn’t nice, isn’t loving and certainly isn’t acceptable. Truth tellers get shunned, are labeled abusive or inappropriate. Perhaps it’s not the truth telling that is inappropriate…maybe it’s all in the delivery.
For instance, it’s much harder to hear a truth that begins with YOU and ends with WRONG. I recently caught a friend in a lie. I had to tell her about it knowing she is sensitive. So I said, “I value our relationship and don’t think there is a place in it for any kind of lying so I want to make a contract with you that we always tell each other the truth, even when it seems hard. I think that will deepen our bond.” Notice the words YOU, WRONG or BAD were not in that discussion. Most of the time, just asking for what we need, rather than criticizing, gets the job done.
Even in simple things, such as when your partner asks if you like this shirt or that dress on him or her. If you don’t, a supportive way of answering is, “ I think I like the blue one a bit better.” The point is, we can be truthful, without being hurtful. It’s a bit like verbal Tai Chi, and, it’s also you being real.
Why is it important to be real? It’s important because that is how we build trust and safety. We live in a world where I believe we would be aghast if we really knew what is going on in our governments, our corporations, our medical communities and in our service organizations, such as Child Protective

Services and major fund raising organizations. We get lied to all the time and too often we are also the liars. It has to change and the only way that can happen is if you and I make a decision to change it, starting with how we deal with each other and in the world. Think for a minute about how much safer and happier you would be if you knew that the people you deal with and love would always tell you the truth.

Does that mean you have tell everyone everything? Of course not, however, you do have to be truthful and transparent about everything that affects your partner or your relationships.
Be aware that excruciating truth telling isn’t always easy, but, it is always healing. For instance, a withhold, is the same as lying. An exaggeration or embellishment that serves to make you look better in some way is also lying. I don’t believe there is anyone reading this column that does not know when he or she is lying. Let’s start with telling the truth about that. And remember you can always have a do-over. You can always say, “ You know that isn’t quite a whole truth so let me try again.” You will earn greater trust and respect by doing so. There is nothing more ecstatic than being in a family or partnership where both people are committed to their own growth and are evolving their own souls together. There is great joy in the process and you will create much deeper bonds and intimacy in that commitment.

So let’s make a contract to take the masks off. I will celebrate your courage to be who you are and hope you will celebrate mine. After all, isn’t that what we came here to do?


Dr. Evan is a life/soul coach in Arizona working with individuals, couples and corporations.  She  specializes in relationships, personal and professional empowerment, compassion and consciousness. For more information 602-997-1200, email drdbe@attglobal.net or visit www.DrDinaEvan.com